well, record store day wasn’t a complete disaster but it wasn’t all that great though.

i managed to pick up spoon’s loveways which i really wanted. i also scored both 7” records from conor oberst.

i stopped by another store which wasn’t participating in record store day but had all of their vinyl on sale. i finally got st. vincent’s new album in vinyl format and settled for the faint’s new album on cd.
record store day is tomorrow and i have to work the entire day

i am currently trying not to have a mental breakdown.

not even joking

i feel like i’ve been punched in the gut

my mother has gotten breast cancer twice. the first time, i was too young to understand what it all meant. the second time, i was going into high school and understood exactly what it meant and what was at stake.

it came back in her lung the second time around. she was on chemotherapy for what seemed like a lifetime. it was at this point in my life when i, like alice, traveled down the rabbit hole. i am still trying to find my way back though.

my mother eventually stopped chemo and hasn’t needed it for over seven years. she takes some pills to keep the cancer tame. she goes to doctor appointments every now and then to see how well she is doing.

the last few visits have shown an increase of activity but it was apparently nothing serious. the doctor was not worried and he’s one of the best. even with the last visit, he was very optimistic about the outcome of the results.

the results came back high. it was a large jump compared to the very, slow gradual climb over the last year.

my mom called me while i was at work. i could hear the panic and fear in her voice as she made small talk before dropping the bomb. she is completely beside herself and i am trapped at work.

she now has to get tests done. a cat scan and bone scan along with some other things. she is terrified the cancer somehow got in her bones.

my emotions are raging.

to hear her cry over the phone broke my already broken heart.

these next couple of hours, days and weeks are going to be a challenge.

i took this photo tonight. it’s been raining nonstop. the street lights looked stunning through the raindrops on my bedroom window. i feel like i’m looking over a beautiful cityscape instead of an intersection in the midst of an apartment complex.
i am now twenty-five.

i am on such a wild journey in life. this current portion holds such promise. i am finally starting to get excited about my future. my depression will always be a struggle but i can make it. i am also learning to accept my peculiar self. i refuse to conform to what the world demands me to be. i do like myself and if you do not - fuck you.
15:34"Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths." — Lois Wyse, author and advertising executive (via nicothedoctor)

(Source: taste-with-your-fingers, via whorchata)

15:31"In general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual’s life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one’s humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting." — Robert Glover (via mirroir)

(Source: psych-quotes, via ovarydoses)