n. the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it—whether through envy or pity or simple foreignness—which allows it to drift away from the rest of your life story, until the memory itself feels out of place, almost mythical, wandering restlessly in the fog, no longer even looking for a place to land.
why why why can’t i function normally in social settings?!
jesus fucking christ
i can be surrounded by friendly strangers and catching up with old friends who i adore but feel completely detached and unwanted.
i couldn’t even have a good time at my friend’s birthday party tonight. i managed to hold myself together until i was in my car before fucking losing it.
people kept telling me how sorry they felt for me because of some current shit i’m going through. i heard it all night. so much pity. all the fucking pity. i could not fucking stand it.
and right before i left, i was wishing the birthday boy well. i have loved this kid for years but nothing will ever happen there. i’m clearly having trouble coming to terms with it still.
we always say: i love you. any time time we see each other or speak. we say those three words.
but tonight, he pulled me in to hug and kissed my shoulder. that small gesture nearly killed me. i kissed his jaw then neck, said goodnight and was gone. it won’t stop playing in my damn head now. this overreacting nonsense.
fuck my fucked up fucking self.
see, i think this friendship with this group of people is a one way street now. i keep fighting for it to stay alive but it makes me feel desperate. these people are perfectly fine without me. they have moved on in life. i just got left behind. it hurts so much because these were the people who became my best friends after i tried to take my own life. the friends i made after i graduated from a high school where i hated everyone. these new friends helped save my life.
it’s so fucking hard to part ways now.
“you don’t look depressed though”
oh yeah sorry i forgot to bring my literal dark cloud with me today